User blog:Silkmoth/Seething Envy

No Bliss in Ignorance
"“Envy is ignorance.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson"

Envy and Sloth are the sins that consume my being, Envy predominantly. Sure I am lazy and don't do anything productive all day, but I am in turmoil over the bitterness in my heart. Maybe it is ignorance, but I suppose then I am just ignorant. I am incredibly envious towards the moderators of the wiki, especially LadyAlys. She is more helpful than I can ever be and more productive than I can ever be and even prettier than I can ever be. I know that no matter how hard I try to find things to edit, I can never be as good as her or sonnet73 or anyone.

I just want to help, I don't even care about the Contributor Rewards much. I just want people to like me and I want to help them and help the wiki and I want to be good. I want to be good to atone for all the mistakes I've made in my life. I just want to, for once, be a good person, truly.

With all the mistakes I've made on the wiki, it is hard to feel good. I try and edit the wiki everyday but it doesn't matter. I have my Keep application for Tier 1 in another tab, but I don't feel like I deserve it. Even if changes can be reverted, it doesn't mean I haven't fucked up the wiki with my ignorance.

I am not religious, but in Judeo-Christian mythology, Kindness is the opposing Heavenly Virtue to Envy. Does that mean I am unkind? Just because I covet what someone better than me has? I know that I am lowly, and will never be as respected or liked or as helpful and my peers. No, LadyAlys and sonnet73 and Taldin aren't my peers, that would imply they are the same status as me. They are so perfect, I could never be like them. Even if they made mistakes early on, they didn't feel this way. Besides, they were lucky enough to have started when the wiki really needed new content. Here I am, in 2017, scrounging for any imperfections (real or not) in the text.

Every part of me is saying to give up. It would be so much less stress in my life if I just stopped editing the wiki. But I want to help and I want to be liked and it would be nice to have a title or something to recognize the effort I put in and the sanity I sacrifice trying to find something to edit. Earlier today I made a lot of mistakes adding things to the wrong category. I already wrote upon that. However, it just further shows how much I ruin things. How can I submit an application in the wake of that?

Should a wiki make one consider suicide? Granted, I was off my meds when the events of my first blog post transpired, but I did this to have fun. I just wanted to help and now look at what I've done. It isn't about the mistakes I've made. Sure, I have to look at my badges gained from mistakes, constant reminders that I fucked up. But it isn't about that. It is about my seething envy. I am nothing. I am not needed in this community. I want to fit in but I am just forcing it, a round peg in a square hole.

I've donated to Habitica. I've contributed a bit to the wiki. I have gained nothing from it. Sure I received cosmetic things through gems, but that brought me no joy. Editing the wiki no longer brings me joy. I feel dead inside as I scour pages, trying to find a place where I can make an edit. How can I be helpful and make as many changes as others when there are no changes to make? I am not sure whether to keep doing this or not. I just don't know.

I enjoy Habitica. I enjoy the motivation and the progression. I don't get as insanely envious as I do with other online games like Kingdom of Loathing. But the wiki, the wiki is another beast. I joined to get badges and titles and cool armor. I am not even sure if that will bring me joy anymore. I am not sure what will.

If I ended my life, theoretically, who here would care? I'm sure if I asked the guild that directly I would receive a couple positive messages, but that doesn't show they care. The world of Habitica and its wiki will keep on turning without me, and all I do when I am here is ruin things and sift through pages to find imperfections. Selfish as it may be, I wish that part of the wiki would disappear so I could make it again from scratch. I wish I had been here all those years ago and maybe today I would be something. But I am nothing.

I am a shell filled with only seething envy.